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| Today, I feel clean.
I took some time out of today to reflect on what God has done for me.
Two years ago, I was a pagan. Totally and completely, pagan. Not in any perjurious sense of the word, but I had denied any notion of the Christian God. I hated hypocrites, I hated my school, I hated Christianity and I hated Christians. I was no goth kid. I didn't jump on the Wiccan bandwagon. I didn't read books on "magick" or wear all black or sacrifice goats. I believed in (a) Creator(s), but not sin or punishment. I lied to everyone and told them I was whatever they wanted to hear I was.
I was truly, honestly, apostate. I just could not reconcile myself with the idea that love, joy, and peace came from a religion that statistically sinned as much as everyone else.
I had my faith in people, and they failed me. I had my faith in doctrine, and it failed me.
One day, I left that school and learned love.
I threw everything that I had believed in, either as an "Christian" or as a pagan out the window. I started with what I knew, and with prayer, and examined sincerely the ideas of everyone I came across.
Today, two years into the process, I am a changed man. My old habits are gone. My old frustrations are gone. My hatreds and fears and unforgivings are gone. I love Jesus Christ, the Messiah, and I love Yahweh, my Creator. I believe in the words of Jesus, I use the writings of His followers as guidelines for my life.
I'm still not exactly orthodox, so to speak. I "believe less" than you do most likely, because I don't take things at face value, and there's a lot I'm still investigating. But the atonement for our sins by the death of a divine Christ, and his resurrection and ascension... this is the base of my life. This is why I love my fellow man. This is why I don't Bible bash, this is why I don't speak Christianese. I want my witness to come out of the overflow of my heart, not a "How to Witness" book. I want the strange and blessed thing in me to so overwhelm me that it leaks out, not scalding or burning, but soaking into, living in people.
I'm human. I will confess my sins to my fellow man. I will be transparent with you, I will show you my every flaw. I have no secrets. As long as I'm not trying to sell you something. Heh. I am still only human ;) Please forgive me if my frankness shocks you. I'm not trying to whine. I want your help and your support, if you can lend it to me.
I'm not sold on Christians yet, either, if anything, I'm MORE suspicious of someone who wears the sign of our Lord like an access pass. I don't assume that someone's "faith" makes them more trustworthy. Love, faith, and hope must all be present in the redeemed life, and frankly, the first and last are in short supply.
I'm not perfect. I know many who know my past life and find it hard to trust me. I know that I am sorely lacking in many things, and still very hindered by stupid things I did. I know that my transcript is no respecter of religions. I know my Fs in high school Bible make me look very unqualified as a spiritual leader. I want God to bless me with humility, which I am sadly lacking.
Forgive me. I've been an idiot. I will still be, from time to time.
But rejoice with me. I was lost, and now am found. I was blind, and now I have my sight. I reflected on that today, and felt joy like I have not felt in a long time.
Today, I am clean in the sight of God. | | |
| Mom called today. I got $160 back on my taxes. Also, my bonds and CD matured. Also, I got a notice in the school mail about winning $250 for a scholarship. (Looks like my artwork pays off.) Also, Dad's wanting me to go up there one weekend and see if we can't find a truck for me.
If I can pay for summer school by working at CS, I'll be able to commute again next year :D
Part time work, too, if I can. Less than 30 hours/wk this time :P
Looks like I'm not as up the creek as I thought. I think what's changed is I've become more willing to work now that I have positive motivation.
But I'm happy now. | | |
| I have come to a very dire and serious conclusion.
I whine WAY too much.
Most of you who know me IRL know that I'm really not much of a complainer. I use the Internet to vent when I'm frustrated or worried. But, despite the psychological effects of confronting a text box, there's really a person on the other end.
Mostly, lately, it's been about my concerns for this fall. Really though, I'm not that bad off. My dad's finally offered me assistance with transportation (as soon as he's no longer paying 3 mortgages), and my grades are good enough that at the end of the summer semester I should keep all of my scholarships. I'm getting plenty of offers for work now that I'm 18 and not a double-time college student. I've got good experience from American Leprosy Missions. If I'm honest, despite my pride, I reall am capable of being intelligent and charismatic. It really won't be that hard.
I've come to another conclusion. Partially because my parents (mom and stepdad) are constantly reminding me of my laziness, I am living it out. It's pressure. I've come to accept their negative conclusion as true. But looking over some of my accomplishments, I've realized that although I didn't leave home at 15 to work in the textile mill 70 hours a week, I've done some pretty difficult things.
I'm not lazy and I won't permit myself to be. I will put forth my best effort and take good care of my body and my time.
It helps when you're happy with your situation, and feeling a whole lot more stable. And feeling like someone believes in me.
My relatioship with my biological father was never all that great. I almost didn't get a chance to know him. I've always been overly critical of his character and his decisions. But now, when even my mom admits to not believing in me (how's that for an empty feeling?) he is my strength, in a way. He didn't give in to pressure, he worked hard, he took his time finishing school, and in the end, he beat the gossip, beat the expectations of his family, beat the pressure, beat his own mistakes in the past, and he's well and happy and doing what he really wants to do.
I love my dad. I'm ready to do things like him. | | |
| So I got my report card today. Looked like this...
A
A
A
A
A
F
What? F?!?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...............
Oh wait. That's Mr. Craft's class. He turned in grades a day before I made up that test.
::scratches out, writes A, frames in room:: | | |
| Order of Priorities, from Least to Most Important:
- Talking About Life
- Thinking About Life
- Living Life
So Xanga and Facebook and Myspace get the back burner. 'nuff said.
P.S. Haven't skipped since that post. Only skipped 2 anyways, but for me, that's horrible. So to those of you who love to browbeat me: Quit whining :D I have summer work lined up and I'm graduating here and on time.
Love y'all.
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